Learning My Life Truths

 Learning My Life Truths 

Several years ago, I made the decision to spend more one-on-one time with my father.  The reason was simple.  Sometimes, he was a hard man to love.  I never quite figured out if my father loved the art of debate, or if he enjoyed pushing people’s buttons…or maybe a combination of the two.  Months could pass by without me reaching out to my father, or paying him a visit.  One day, in the Catholic Sacrament of Reconciliation (or confession, for us old-timers), I confessed to the priest that I wasn’t living the fourth commandment, “honor thy father and mother.”  I explained to the priest that I loved my father, but didn’t make time for him in my life.  He instructed me to do two things, to pray for my father and to begin to perform small acts of kindness for my father.  I took that instruction to both love my father from afar (prayer), and more intimately (acts of kindness).  At that time, I decided I would set aside every Monday night to spend with my father…and my life was changed forever. 

There were a few simple but profound truths that I learned in the process.  I’ll explore each of these truths in greater detail in the pages that follow.  For me, they have been life-changing; not only for my relationship with my dad, but in every human relationship that I am a part of.  And I know that they will be life-changing for you too.  

The first truth is this: “There is a great grace in loving a person for who they are, and not who you want them to be.”  My time with my father revealed our weaknesses and imperfections to one another.  Our time together helped me to see that perhaps I would never be the “perfect son” that my father had wanted, but at the same time, he would never meet the expectations that I might have for him as the “perfect father.”   The truth that I learned is that rather than trying to change my father into who I wanted him or needed him to be for me, I could still love him for who he was, and he could love me for me.  

The second truth sounds so similar to the first one.  However, if you pay close attention, you will see it’s slightly different.  “There is a great grace in being able to accept love from another person in the way that they know how to love, and not how you want them to love.”  Those who know me might say that I am an expressive, affectionate person.  I love a good hug.  I love a sincere, “I love you.”  I appreciate when a person wants to simply sit with me and spend time together with me, even if we don’t have a lot to say to one another when we are together.  Not everybody expresses love in the same way that I do.  In fact, not everyone defines love in the same way that I do.  Our relationships grow deeper when we can accept love from another in whatever way they love, and not the way that we want to be loved.  

The third truth is one that a friend of mine once share with me, and it stuck.  “Love is a choice.”  Human relationships aren’t always easy.  They don’t always go in the way that we want them to go in.  Sometimes, feelings are hurt, words are misspoken, tempers flare, emotions run high, and so much more.  However, when loving another person, we might have to sometimes choose to love, rather than react.  When I was a corporate trainer, I used to train a course on public relations.  In the course was a theme inspired by the work of social psychologist Victor Frankl.  The general gist was that we cannot always control the circumstances that we find ourselves in.  However, we can always choose how we respond to those circumstances.  The same is true with love.  We cannot control the words, emotions, or behaviors of others, but we can always control how we choose to respond to them.  It isn’t always easy.  Particularly if you have a propensity for debate or button-pushing, as my father did.  Let’s be honest, sometimes it’s a hard pill to swallow when we realize that as the old adage goes, “the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree.”  

The fourth truth is simple.  “The best present that we can give to another, is the simple gift of presence.”  I once posted on social media, “When we were younger, the greatest gift that our parents gave to us was the gift of presence. Some of my favorite childhood memories include waterfront picnics with the Garcia families and Sundays at my grandmother’s house with the Pimentel Brum families. Simplicity. Just being with one another was enough to bring us all joy. Simply reflecting on those days still brings me joy today. Later in life, the same is true for what we can give to our aging parents. Monday nights are my “date nights with Papa.” Honestly, sometimes, after a long day at work, the 30-minute drive feels like a chore. Sitting with my dad and really listening to his stories (not just the hearing that I did for years) has given me so much insight into the times and events that shaped the person that my father is today. Learning about his childhood, leaving his country, starting a new life in a new land, the early years and so much more fascinates me. They are the same stories I have heard multiple times before. However, each time I hear a story, I pay attention to some new insight or to the emotions behind them and am able to imagine my father as a boy, a teenager, and a young man, not just as “my old man.”